Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Ty,

Thanks for your note and question.

We are not doctors, so we can’t offer any opinion on your question about what is causing you to struggle keeping weight on.

However, we can tell you that one of the most common of all physical issues for grievers in the aftermath of a death, is difficulty with both eating and sleeping patterns. That said, we're not surprised that you are affected that way.

Whether it is anxiety causing your weight/food issues, or something else, are questions for a therapist or psychiatrist.

On the other hand, as we read your note, we would have guessed that both the fact and circumstances of your son’s death have left you with a broken heart, and with an accumulation of “unresolved grief.”

Let us explain that unresolved grief is not bad, and it's not necessarily the product of a poor relationship with someone who died. It's about all the things we wish had happened differently, better, or more; and about the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

Given that your son was young with a lifetime ahead of him, we know that you have to have a lot of unfinished business in that area of hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

And you’re right – your life never will be the same. We know there are people who may say that it will be, but the truth is that your life is different than it would have been had he not died.

Of course we hope you find peace and happiness – but in order to get there you have to do some work on those things we mentioned. Go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it, and then start taking the actions it outlines – either with a partner or on your own. It is the doing of the work in the book that will allow you to find peace and happiness even though your son is no longer here.

Another part of our wishes for you is that you will be able to once again look at his pictures and possessions and to share your fond memories of him with others.

It seems to me that the fact that he put his life at mortal risk to save a friend, would make you beyond proud of that young man, your son. We don’t want you to lose that feeling about the nature and character of your son.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And

John