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Consumed by the death—or about the relationship—possibly both. (Published 7-26-11)

Tom from AZ laments: I'm always consumed with thinking about my Fathers death!

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Tom,

Thanks for your note.

While your statement is short, it is nonetheless profound, and we know that an awful lot of grieving people can relate to it.

When someone important to us dies, the rest of the world goes out of focus. That's why grieving people have such a hard time concentrating.

It also explains why people find it can really be effective to take the actions of Grief Recovery shortly after their person dies, because their relationship with that person is essentially the only thing on their mind and heart.

Your note does not make it clear if the reason you are so consumed is because of the circumstances of his death, or mainly the fact that he died. We wonder if it is only your father’s death that you are focused on, or if it's more about your relationship with him and his absence. Possibly both.

Either way, you will need to take actions to help you move forward in your life without him here. Get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook from the library or bookstore. Take the actions it outlines and you’ll be able to move beyond the all consuming focus on his death, and be able to have fond memoriesof him not turn painful.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John

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John W. James

Russell Friedman

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Consumed by the death—or about the relationship—possibly both. (Published 7-26-11)

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Ask John & Russell Archives

It’s Never Selfish To Need And Want Someone To Be There In Your Life (Published June 18, 2013)

What Matters Most Is Not What Others Believe About You—It’s What You Are Feeling That May Be Keeping You Stuck. (Published 6/11/2013)

Time Is Not The Key Factor In When A Person Should Start Dating After The Death Of A Spouse (Published 6/4/2013)

How can I be so angry with a man who was so wonderful when he was here? (Published 5/28/2013)

Tumultuous relationships usually leave a large residue of unfinished emotional business (Published May 21, 2013)

Trying to put together a puzzle with very few pieces (Published 5/14/2013)

When a new loss is imposed on children in order to save their lives (Published 5/7/13)

How can I be happy and sad at the same time? (Published 4/30/2013)

The Pain of Grief Doesn't Have to Be A Permanent Companion

Sometimes the best way to help someone you love, is to help yourself. (Published 4/16/2013)

A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

We were never close, like a mother and daughter should be. (Published 4/2/2013)

When someone we used to be married to dies, we often experience a re-remembering of the entire relationship, the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. (Published 3/26/2013)

We don't believe there's any such thing as "complicated grief." But there is unattended grief that doesn't get better because time can't heal emotional wounds. (Published 3/19/2013)

Adult or child, “In a crisis we go back to old behaviors or old beliefs." Nine year-old reverts to childlike behavior when dad dies. (Published 3/12/2013)

Sadly, it's all too common that we're confronted with family, financial, and property issues that distract us from the real issue—our broken hearts. (Published 3/5/2013)

We don’t like being dishonest about feelings, it doesn’t help anyone. (Published 2/26/2013)

We have hope for you because in spite of your obvious pain and pessimistic view of the future, you have nonetheless reached out for help. (Published 2/19/2013)

To be your son's leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses! (Published 2/12/2013)

Our emotions go to high-alert when we're about to have surgery! (Published 2/5/2013)

What can I do to help myself move on so I can be a happy wife and mother? (Published 1/29/2013)

You don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health. (Published 1/22/2013)

I can't take losing another person in my life. (Published 1/15/2013)

I still cry every time I think of him. Could I have PTSD? (Published 1/8/2013)

Do recurring dreams about someone who died represent unresolved grief? (Published 1/1/2013)

After my great aunt died, I felt like I hadn't seen her enough, but she lived far away so we never had the money to go see her. (Published 12/25/2012)

Before he died, my husband said I should find someone to take care of me. He did not give me a time frame. I just wanted him to get better. (Published 12/18/2012)

I wasn't raised with my mom, but I did get to spend some time with her after I got out of foster homes. I still feel like there is something missing in my heart. (Published 12/11/2012)

How do I deal with losing them when there was still so much unsaid? (Published 12/4/2012)

Having emotions—including tears—when you look at his picture is not “breaking down.” It is being human and sad and missing someone you love. (Published 11/27/2012)

It's been a year and a half since my wife died and I don't want to face the Holidays. (Published 11/20/2012)

Is Someone Who Cares Reading This? (Published 11/13/2012)

If you stay focused on this one thing—no matter how big it is to you—you rob yourself of the richness and complexity of the whole relationship over three decades. (Published 11/6/2012)

This is the first Mother's Day that I don't have her. Why is it so hard and painful for me? (Published 10/30/2012)

The actions of completion will not be “letting go” of and losing your friends, instead they will allow you to retain all the fond memories you have of them. (Published 10/23/2012)

"Grief is not so much a disease to be cured, as it is a natural reaction to loss, and the goal should be reconciliation and completion, not avoidance." (Published 10/16/2012)

You can be strong, or you can be human, pick one! (Published 10/9/2012)

At six weeks after the death of your spouse, we wouldn't consider your feelings of sadness to be self-absorption. (Published 10/2/2012)

When someone important to us dies, that is one of the biggest, most painful changes we ever experience. (Published 9/25/2012)

You have a lifetime of memories about your Mom, we don’t want you to be stuck on the last images. (Published 9/18/2012)

Two helpful phrases when talking to a grieving person. (Published 9/11/2012)

“How can I tell them I love them when they are not here?” (Published 9/4/2012)

Why me? is a pretty logical question in your circumstances, even though there's no real answer. (Published 8/28/2012)

Trying “not” to think about a painful image just doesn’t work. (Published 8/21/2012)

Drugs Overpower A Mother’s Love (Published 8/14/2012)

Families Don't Always Stick Together (Published 8/7/2012)

Make Small And Accurate Comments As Feelings Come Up (Published 7/31/2012)

I’m Scared, And Don’t Want To Do It, But I Will Do It Anyway (Published 7-24-2012)

If You Focus On The Choices You Had to Make Through Your Rear-View Mirror, You Will Only Harm Yourself (Published 7-17-2012)

I Feel I've Lost A Part Of Me (Published 7-10-2012)

There Are Many Death-Related Situations In Which The Human, Emotional Reaction Is To Be Angry At God (Published 7-3-2012)

Better to say, "At this moment, I don't have much energy," than "I'm depressed today." The latter turns a fleeting feeling into a 24 hour condition (Published 6-26-2012).

Many people get robbed of a funeral and the chance to say "goodbye." Published (6-19-2012)

Grieving people sometimes don't ask for help, and if it's offered, they won’t always take advantage of it. (Published 6-12-2012)

Certain areas of a home—particularly a bedroom or bed, are massive reminders of someone who is no longer alive. (Published 6-5-2012)

We’d guess it's your nature and style to be open and emotive with your feelings. If that's true, we say, YAY! (Published 5-29-2012)

Her possessions represent a tangible link to her and your memory of your life with her. (Published 5-22-2012)

“…And I Forgive You So I Can Be Free”—a phrase can save your emotional life. (Published 5-15-2012)

The reduction of pain does not necessarily mean you're emotionally complete with your friend who died. It may only mean that you're adapting to the loss. (Published 5-8-2012)

Don’t analyze, criticize, or judge the griever—and definitely don’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice. (Published 5-1-2012)

Missing people we never really knew (Published 4-24-2012)

Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship (Published 4-17-2012)

Unsolicited advice is never well-received (Published 4-10-2012)

Self-protective actions vs. intent to harm someone else (Published 4-3-2012)

It’s very difficult to help someone who does not want or ask for help (Published 3-27-2012)

If we knew it was going to be their last night, we'd move heaven and earth to be there (Published 3-20-2012)

In condolences, be careful NOT to say "I Know How You Feel" (Published 3-13-12)

Will this sickening, awful feeling ever improve? (Published 3-6-12)

Anticipatory Grief is not real—it means thinking that you can know what feeling you will have in the future which is not here yet (Published 2-28-12)

Feeling half-way good, and then plunging down the emotional elevator shaft (Published 2-21-12)

The emotional stimulus of certain songs or chronicling dates – like anniversaries and birthdays (Published 2-14-12)

No matter how devasted you are by grief, you still need to motivate yourself to take actions that lead to recovery (Published 2-7-12)

Grief Recovery Institute^® Guidance Center